The question I'm pretty sure every single pregnant woman asks herself throughout her entire pregnancy -- am I actually going to do a good job at this, or will I be terrible?
I've never been a baby person. Puppies, yes, please hand me all your puppies and I WILL cry tears of excitement. Babies, cute, but please keep them to yourself.
My mom has told me many times that she was the same way. She didn't want to hold other people's babies, but she couldn't put her own babies down. She was obsessed with us and loved us more than she could have imagined loving a sticky tiny human who can't hold their own head up.
I often fear that I won't be a great mom because most of the great moms that I know, that I look up to as parents, have vastly different personalities than I do.
When I took the Enneagram personality test that our church really likes, I was hoping to be some combination of 2 (the Loving Person), 7 (the Joyful Person), and 9 (the Peaceful Person). To my dismay, I'm the opposite -- a 1 (the Good Person), 8 (the Powerful Person), 3 (the Effective Person). My scores for the "mom types" I wanted were all crazy low. How can I be a good mom if my personality is probably best suited for business leadership? How can I be a good mom if my description says the following:
You usually work very hard to live up to your potential and to help others do the same. You may get overly intense when you try to be good and right, or to make the world better. You may get angry and resentful when things aren't done right, and be very critical of yourself when you've done less than a perfect job. It may also be hard for you to forgive mistakes - your own or those of others. It may be hard for you to accept differences of opinion.
The test is really detailed and goes on and on, but I'll spare you. Does that sound like a good mom to you? It doesn't to me. And that scares me.
I have the best mom. She's my #1 fan, and she basically thinks that I hung the moon. She sacrificed so much for us growing up and continues to do so in our adulthood. She always thinks of us first and is ceaselessly supportive. I've asked her since getting pregnant about her experiences as a mom and whether or not we were good kids. She makes it seem like we were little angels, but I'm not sure if that is actually true. I think she just was so patient and accepting of us that even when we were messy and annoying and disobedient, she thought we were just the cutest things, and it didn't upset her.
Will I be like that? My personality is not like my mom's. Mom is probably a 2 (the Loving Person) and a 6 (the Loyal Person).
I'm pretty confident that I can learn the tactical stuff of being a mom. After all, I'm an incredibly hard worker and I can read all the books and watch all the tutorials about breastfeeding and diaper changing and bottle cleaning, etc. I don't currently have a ton of experience (slash any experience) with that stuff, but I'll figure that out. Not too worried about it.
I'm more worried about being able to hold my temper when things don't go the way I want. I'm worried about being able to be patient with a kid who just peed on my new floors. I'm worried about transferring my own anxiety to my son. I'm worried about teaching him to be a decent human being when I often feel like I'm not one myself. I'm worried about tarnishing the gospel message with my own sin and doubts.
I was talking to one of our pastors the other day about a lot of this, and he kept telling me that you can be a good mom with my type of personality. I think I'm just afraid because I haven't seen it. I've seen crazy dance moms who create horrible human beings because they force their kids to work super hard. I've seen people who don't have great relationships with their parents because they feel like nothing they can do will ever live up to their parents' expectations. I've seen people who feel like they have to earn their parents love.
Any Type A moms empathize with me here? I just feel like motherhood would be easier if I were patient and loving and playful and full of joy... if having fun came as easily to me as making a spreadsheet. What kind of childhood does a spreadsheet mom create?
Sorry for such a melodramatic post. Maybe it's just the pregnancy hormones (probably not; this is usually how my brain spirals into despair). If you get some time, say a prayer for me that God would calm my brain down and reinforce His sovereignty over my parenting fails that will inevitably happen. And ask that He'd give me some peace about all of this.